I was really planning on getting into Christmas at work this year. I was going to buy decorations for my desk. I bought cards and little festive bags for everyone in the building to fill with cocoa and cinnamon sticks and whatnot. I was going to search out fun, unusual gifts to give to the people who work under me. I had forgotten why I never did things like that in this office. I hate Christmas in this office.
First there’s the whole Secret Santa thing. I don’t participate in Secret Santa anymore because everyone is so incredibly rude and insensitive about the presents they receive. The whole point of Secret Santa is that you don’t know who gave you the gift so to stand in the middle of a group of people complaining about it is just awful. And what do they expect from a stupid Secret Santa gift anyway? Diamonds? And there's always someone who won't abide by the dollar amounts. They're giving somebody a $40 gift on the day everyone else is getting little $5 trinkets and then the people who only spent $5 feel like cheapskates. The $40 person always says something like “Oh, I don’t buy gifts based on price. I buy things I think the person will like.” Well, just buy them the present then. Don’t join the gift exchange that has set price limits.
So I didn’t sign up for Secret Santa and then some other people decided that they didn’t like the way the original Secret Santa works so they would start their own Secret Santa. Did I want to join that one? No. I’m already spending a fortune buying cards and festive bags and filling them with cocoa and cinnamon sticks and whatnot. Whatnot adds up. And I just know that the people doing the original Secret Santa are going to start talking smack about the other Secret Santa people and it’s going to be a whole month of West Side Story-style Secret Santa feuding around here.
Then there’s the poinsettia plant incident. The stupid poinsettia plant. Every year our office plant lady gets all these poinsettia plants and puts them everywhere. Every year she forgets to put one in my office. It’s true that my office is way the heck on the other side of the building but she put one in the office right around the corner from mine so it’s not like she wasn’t already up here. So anyway, a person downstairs asked if we had gotten a plant and said that the plant lady had an “extra” and told me to take it. So I did. Like twenty minutes later another person is at my desk telling me that two other people were all upset because I stole the poinsettia and the boss won’t like it. Then someone in my office asked about me stealing the plant. Then about an hour after that I get an email about how I stole the plant and the boss won’t like it.
Is this really what my life has come down to? Stressing about poinsettia plant placement and Secret Santa? Wasn’t I supposed to be traveling the world and doing something exciting right about now?
Hey, but the Unknown Comic from The Gong Show is the mc at our Christmas Party. With the bag on his head and everything. That’s exciting, right? Right?